The Perfect Children

Watching Glee made me thought of something. The geek, nerdy, self centered and annoying Rachel Berry got me thinking. Honestly of all the characters, it had to be the one that I will strangle if I meet her in real life... Either way, it got me thinking about the perfect children born into a family of two gay dads.

What would they look like?

What would they be like in school?

What would they be when they grow up?

Que Sera Sera indeed.

The few things I do know that I want are their sex, school activities and list of careers not to take.

First, I prefer having boys. Very "little-soccer-team" family I know but I think having girls will give a load of headache especially when swarm of boys circling around her and high chance of her ending up a spinster. Good quality boys are an endangered species. They are sparse and they are highly probably gay. I would probably the terrifying dad when it comes to meeting my daughter's boyfriend. Every details about him will be scrutinized! So no girls for me or maximum one will do.

The boys will also excel academically along with sports, music, arts and literature. They can have their choice sport they like. Soccer, swimming, ice skating or fencing, whatever to keep them active, healthy and fit. I have always love listening to orchestras and now I can have live performance with my boys mastering strings, brass, percussions and woodwinds. Then to top it off, arts and literature. Be involve in drama classes or Glee Club!

Tall order, I know.

Scary, I know.

Can the boys make it through this boot camp? I am optimistic of it.

Well it is only until they start university. The list is just basic groundwork for them to build their future on. I believe they will do just fine. Tough being a kid these days huh?

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

The Red Boudoir

It took a year and the influence of Paul's constant furniture shopping spree did I decide to makeover my room into a boudoir! It all started with a red curtain. Not just any plain red curtain but red curtain with suade flower patterns. It is a pretty curtain and it quickly become the center piece of which I decorated my room around. Red is the theme of my boudoir.

Then I saw a medium sized carpet that completely took my breath away. Yes, it is red and it has a dark shade to it when you swipe it across. Two toned material. Nice! More than just a pretty carpet, it is extremely comfy to sleep on and roll on. Pretty and comfy. Pretty comfy. I really love the carpet. To make the carpet even more comfy and homey, pillows! Big or small, I need to have pillows on the carpet. So everyone can sit on the carpet, hug the pillow and chill.

My Little Red Boudoir

I think neon white lights are such horrid lightings for a boudoir. It did not take me long to find a lovely lamp. Dragging the huge box to KL Central, a flight from KL and retrieving it from the conveyor belt was all it took for this pretty hanging lamp to arrive to my room. Lovely yellow light emphasises the redness of the room.

Still, there are a few more items I need before my boudoir is complete. A lovely low tv bench to put in front of my bed, an iMac on the low tv bench, matching red quilt set and more pillows for my carpet. This would probably take me another year to do it.

Hmmmm.

How about a red beanbag to sit on?

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Reap What Others Sow

All week long when I was offshore, food wastes were tossed into the sea. Waste not, want not. What better way than to feed the fishes. They say looking at fishes swim about give a sense of serenity and it does. Maybe it is part serene and part amusement when the fishes fight for the food. It is good for the soul after all.

It is what I look forward to everyday to feed the fishes and watch them swim after a laborious day of work. Tossing food overboard from the platform and looking down onto the fishes chow down on lunch. Did not take the others to start fishing upon seeing swarms of fishes gathering around the leftovers. It is an easy catch after all when all the fishes are on frenzy feast.

Fish they did but it took a little ingenuity. These fishes are not as dumb as they seemed. Fishing hook must be kept well hidden in the bait. Bury the hook deep into the chicken wing or attach pieces of sausages around the hook. Fool the fish and you get dinner.

This bugger weights nearly three kilograms!

That is enough to feed a family of three but the fishes on my platform are considered small. The big fishes are on another platform and the size of it are huge! Think barbecue party for ten.

So perhaps it is part serene, amusement and amazement.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

The Favourite

After notifying my supervisors of my hand and wrist injury, I think they panic and went on an overly concerned mode. They kept asking about the orthopedic diagnosis and what the prognosis is. So much so, they kept trying to reach me and finally when they got a hold on me:

SV: QR, hello. How's the hand?
QR: It's alright. Just keeping it idle.
SV: Alright. I would like you to clear your leave. Take a week off. You've been offshore for far too long.
QR: Leave? Who? What? Why? Do you have enough people in the office?
SV: Yea no worries.

Honestly, I never saw this coming from my "Rule with an iron fist" Supervisor but I am not complaining. My other colleagues are envious but they are not surprised as they dubbed me as "The Favourite". I shall gladly take the leave. Well I am already into the leave in KL! The Doctor insists that I come back so he can work his "magic healing" on my hand and wrist through some sort of endurance training that involves the bed... I am starting to doubt he's a real doctor.

My poor disabled hand.

As for the orthopedics' diagnosis, it is a mild case of CTS. I am to keep my wrist immobile as much as possible to let the nerve heal naturally. This means less autoeroticism activities with the right hand, less typing, basically less everything with the right hand. I have to be a lefty till the right hand is better. So the doctor instructed me to wear a splint.

Claw of The Disabled Hand!

So unglam and straight right... Why could it not be pink with glitters?! I need rhinestones and turn it into an accessory ala Lady Gaga. However it is good for one thing, it attracts attention and sympathy! Yes I bask in attention and sympathy. Such attention whore I know.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

QR Is Back!

Good gosh! My dear blog has been left unattended for two months and will you look at the virtual dusts that settled on it... Resuscitating a dying blog sure is hard especially when the momentum of blogging has been lost. I kinda feel a little weird typing this post even!

This is the price I paid for being ever so busy and workaholic at work, not forgetting the constant hitch offshore for several weeks. I'm well albeit tired from constant hard day's work, be it physical labour of the ever tiring job of "tai chi" paperwork. How else am I going to feed myself, yes?

Anyhow, I have several posts lined up for the coming days. So stay tune.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Sober

Hello.

My name is Queer Ranter and I am 24 days sober.

I have not has a single drop of alcohol nor have I had a sexual encounter since. I would like all of you to join me on freeing yourself from alcohol and sexual deviants. Discover what it truly feels to be alive substance free and addiction free. Salvation is at hand.

Come my sistas. Come into the light.

Clearly offshore is getting into my head real bad...

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Instant Noodles

What is it about instant noodles that people around me seems to think that it is the most important bare essential food ever? Sure I have cravings once in a blue moon for instant noodles but to think it is survival food? I don't get that. Potato of the modern time? Our ancestors survived on sweet potatoes during the Communist rule and we survive on instant noodles.

I remember when I was in high school, instant noodles seemed to be the staple supper. Put the instant noodle and water into the bowl, pop it into the microwave machine and supper is ready. The instant noodle of choice back then was Indo Mee original flavour. I wonder if it's because the majority of the students were Indonesian.

I guess it's understandable when these people are out at sea. All they need is hot water and in five minutes they have a meal. Short lunch break leaves plenty more time to sleep or continue work. And for those night manning the platform, the instant noodle boxes are good enough substitute for a soft mattress. Lay the boxes on hard steel grating and you have a bed. I've heard they've fought over boxes before...

I can say working offshore has two extreme living conditions, luxurious and spartan. Luxurious living condition like on a drilling rig and spartan on the platform that only has the basic necessities but these are all a question of relative to what.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

The Guy Next Door Is...

Bulimic. Well it's just a wild speculation from one encounter. It was right after dinner time and I was in my room watching The Tudors. Two rooms share the shower and toilet. It joins the two room together but the wall's soundproofing quality is questionable. I can hear the shower like the rain outside the window. The toilet flushes like it's a blackhole sucking everything in in an instant, very loud indeed.

As I was watching The Tudors, I heard the sound of constant puking and constant flushing coming from the toilet. It didn't sound like natural puking. The intervals of the puking feels rather unnatural. No I'm no puke expert but I've done a fair share of puking on daily boats to offshore platforms to know what it would sound like.

I can still imagine the rhythm in my head.

Sticks finger in. A second of silence. Pukes. Flushes.

Sticks finger in. A second of silence. Pukes. Flushes.

That was how it was.

I was not disgusted but more curious as to why he did it, if it is true that he's bulimic. I can never bring myself to waste food like that. The food here is too good to be wasted like that. Just don't eat so much if weight is the worry factor. A little bit of everything will do.

Same goes to alcohol. You'll never catch me puking it out. Alcohol is just too good to be wasted like that. I treasure my alcohol very much.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Waterspout

There are many interesting things out here at sea. I got to see sea snake, turtle, lots and lots of fishes, lobsters and barnacles. Then there's always stories about waterspouts forming near the platforms but never seen one till yesterday. I wish I could say it was a spectacular sight and life changing experience but it was too far away to say so...

Still it was amazing to see the waterspout formed. The familiar nozzle shaped cloud approaching the sea and fast gushing winds flowing upwards forming a bowl shaped water curtain. Then slowly but surely the nozzle shaped cloud touched down on the sea surface. All the while when it was forming, I was in awe.

I just wished that it formed closer then I can take a photo of it as it happens.

Windy day on the sea.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Stairway To Heaven

No I don't believe in it neither have I discovered an actual stairway to Heaven. It is this stairway I have to take each time I want to go to the platform or to the drilling rig. It's effing high and effing steep! Not only that, below is 70 ft fall into the blue sea. Effing scary!

Eeeeeeeeeeks!

One good thing from this is Brad Pitt buttocks here I come! Oh and burn them carbs and fats away! Not to mention my boots weighs a ton too. Helps accelerating the burn. Very lovely. I can see my legs are toning up. I'm very pleased with that.

It's just too much of a hassle to have to climb up these stairs up several times a day. Takes too long and too much energy. Makes me want to crash onto my bed after climbing it. Shall have to conjure Brad Pitt's buttocks and keep me focus.

Bubble buttocks...

Bubble buttocks...

Bubble buttocks...

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Not The Only Queer In The Village

If Daffyd was here, he'd be very disappointed to not be the only queer in this island of steel. I can't bloody well prance and shout "I'm the only queer in the village" or wear various leather outfits around the drilling rig now can I? That would be suicidal. The rough-necks might just kill me for it or maybe rampant gang rape...

How loud can one really go?

There are three queers onboard including me. One is a guy I work with closely and the other is a chef in the kitchen. I suspect he's the one doing the baking of all those cookies and pies. Devilish person tempting me with all those carbs! Fear not, I have been able to resist the carb calling. Woohoo kudos to me!

Day one when I was here, the guy that I work with closely stood out like an elephant in the room. Imagine elephant with pink feathered boa and glitters all over. He's the only one with perfectly shaped eyebrows and here's the dead give away, perfume. Yes, he uses perfume. I can literally track where we goes by just following my nose. No one here uses perfume and everyone just smells of sweat, grit and grease. Well just towards the evening.

He's funny as hell though. Never a minute we don't burst out in laughter while doing work on the platform. We laugh louder than the noise made by the machines. Makes people working around us wonder what we are actually doing.

Ah fun times.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

What Is Weekend?

Barely a week and being offshore has already gotten into me. I'm used to missing out on friend's events or happening parties since I'm so far away from KL... Kinda feel sad sometimes that I can't attend them. There's a saying that I learned from university time, "Visit the people that you love and care when they're alive because it'll be too late to see them in their funeral.".

Anyways, I've forgotten the existence of weekend and I didn't even realised it until I was talking to Lazy Girl on the phone about work and my laundry. Yes she's sort of my senior at work and yes she's sending my laundry for wash. Cool huh?

So I was asking if she remembered to pick up my laundry from my house and of course she forgotten. Poor girl got too many things bugging her at work. I told her to just go see my housemate, who works in the same floor, today at the office and coordinate with her. Little did I know Saturday is a weekend. Weekend as in no work in the office. No work in the office means no one in the office.

Gosh...

What has happened to me. I'm working tomorrow~~~

Office is making unnecessary hoo-haa that made the nice-but-grumpy Company Man being grumpy. No one likes a grumpy man especially when you're stuck on an island of steel.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Cookies

I am turning into the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street... The galley makes the loveliest cookies I've had! Forget Famous Amos, this is the real deal! Crunchy, buttery and moist chocolate pockets. Pure bliss I tell you and the cookie stays fresh, crunchy and warm throughout the day too.

Cookie~~~

The worse thing is, the cookies are placed in a very "strategic" position. It is by the by side of the entrance in a display... Irresistible...

And to top it off, pies. They have pies!!! They display the pies next to the cookies! Are they trying to kill me with such savory temptations?!

Help me...

My new trousers that I bought. I must fit into it! Fit into it without muffin top~~~

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Lazy...

I have never met a girl who's so lazy in my life! She's not lazy in the normal sense. She gets her job done and works rather efficiently. no complaints whatsoever at work. But when it comes to everything else, she's the mother load of laziness... So lazy that she has a dictionary worth of lazy terminologies.

Lazy bag. A cloth bag that has no structure, just hangs as it is and most importantly looks lazy. If some of you have the what-the-fuck look, I don't blame you cause that was my first expression when she said, "I wanna buy a lazy bag.".

Lazy bags...

Then there's the lazy clothes. Basically, clothes that doesn't require any effort in putting on, feels comfy and looks lazy. I never knew there was such a clothing out there! No effort to put on cloths sure there's some out there. Comfy sure but looks lazy?! That takes some serious hunting for it.

I'm just waiting for the day when she asks for lazy food.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

You Were The One...

I was out shopping the other day with a friend. There's really only one shopping mall here that has the bare minimal of things for us to buy. Better than nothing I guess. But it is some kind of blessing in disguise. Not every trip, if not most trip, to the mall I come out with a purchase. So consider it a mild cardio workout without the burst in the pocket.

There we were in a shop that opened recently selling woman's clothings. They have some nice stuff but mostly clothes from Hong Kong (people here are very into the La-La and Beng-Beng style). As she was trying out some clothes, I was waiting for her outside of the changing room surrounded by mirrors. Naturally, I was staring at myself. Yes narcissist is me.

Then one of the two sales girls approached me and said, "Hey, you're the one who sat next to us on a flight back here.". I was looking at her as she said it but was bewildered. I don't recall flying back here recently. I don't recall flying out of here for that matter.

Me: When was this?
Sales Girl: Oh this was end of April.
Me: Oh gosh really? I don't even recall that flight. So long ago.
Sales Girl: Yea. We remembered.

That left me thinking what did I do that they remembered me so vividly. I don't usually, if ever, recall the person sitting next to me on a flight unless they really stand out. I'm either busy listening to my iPod, watching a movie on my laptop or playing with my iPhone. Nothing out of the ordinary really. Maybe I was reading a book then... I simply can't recall.

It was an outré encounter indeed. But more importantly, what did I do on that fateful flight?

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Poco-Poco

Poco-poco is a dance originally from Indonesia and now it seems to be internationally known. The name originated from an artist who was observing a plump girl dancing in a festival. She was so amused seeing the girl danced and uttered the word "poco-poco" and then wrote a song about it. I wonder what "poco-poco" actually means.

But what is this "poco-poco" dance? Watch the Youtube.


It's basically a dance move that is extremely simple to dance to. Two rights, two lefts, one back, one front and one back and repeat until the song is finished. That's the basic steps and many versions have appeared since then.

Why the sudden blogging about "poco-poco" you may wonder? This dance has been a staple entertainment source whenever there's any sort of functions in my company. When I first heard about it in an induction program, I was flabbergasted. Literally a deer in front of the headlights, moments before the deer turned into a roadkill.

Then just the other day, I got dragged into practicing the "poco-poco"... Spent two hours doing it again and again and again. My knees... This dance is high impact and if I was to do it some more, I'd need a knee replacement. Though it got me all drenched in sweat. My first cardio in eons!

I'm more amazed at the fact that "poco-poco" is, was or kind of a world phenomenon! I was shocked when I was searching for a video clip of "poco-poco" in Youtube. This seemingly silly dance is actually popular out there in the world!

But you'll never catch me saying, "Shall we Poco-Poco?".

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Watch What You Eat

I love my food very much. I enjoy cooking them and I enjoy eating them. Food is just too good not to be enjoyed. Though, food is best taken in moderation or it can lead to a myriad of detrimental health conditions. There are however a certain kind of food that makes detrimental health effects seems like a better choice of side effects.

One that I have been hearing constantly since I arrived is the infamous "Nasi Kangkang". I will attempt to translate it through literal translation. "Nasi" = rice and "Kangkang" = legs wide open. So that makes "Legs Wide Open Rice". Imagine ordering it in a restaurant.

Boss! Satu Nasi Goreng Kangkang campur Telur Mata dan Ayam Goreng!

Ewww...

Some say, the "dish" is prepared when the woman is going through her period. During this time, she will literally "kangkang" her legs and squat over a bowl of fresh hot steamy fluffy rice and let the magic do it's magic. Imagine the rich flavors permeating into the rice. Once all that is done, the rice is then served to the man of her heart's desire and will guarantee her hold on him perpetually.

Personally I don't buy into these superstitions or legends. It's just too far fetched for the likes of me to take it into my train of thoughts. I know they say the key to a man's heart is through his stomach but this is a bit much isn't it?

They also say the natives here are very "powerful" with their black magic and they enslave men through this method for a better living. I really don't know what to say about that statement. From my experience, they're really jovial and friendly people. Maybe that's because I'm not messing with their daughters, who knows?

As for the "Nasi Kangkang", that's just plain weird...

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Say What?

Food makes people say strange things I reckon. Especially when you're all drowsy and stomach bloated till you feel like you're going to pop with a prod.

Me: I wanna get an iPhone!!!
LPY: I'm just going to wait for the BlackBerry Storm.
Me: So racist... "BLACK" Berry...
LPY: So self indulgent... "I" Phone...

It is extremely hard to laugh when you're stomach is bloated but hell it was hilarious! Gotta love these spontaneous hilarious jokes.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

But I Just Wanted...

A belt. A freaking belt! Singular item! One thing! Satu bende! 一个! And guess what happened when I went to shop for a belt with my clubby friends? I went out of the shop with a tie and a shirt... This was after my shopcapade... My credit card limit~~~ Well I didn't reach my limit. No where near actually but it did blow a hole in my pocket none the less. 

Sighs but I LOVE my the things I bought!

This was the extra buy, the shirt and the tie. I love the combination. A little American Flag tie but am totally in love with it. It's totally hawt! And the cardigan, I can just melt staring myself in the mirror. Yes I'm full of myself today (bite me) but with good reason too.


Functionality Meets Fashion.
I was out in Popular bookstore during lunch time. Was in desperate need of men's fashion magazine. My usuals are GQ and Men's Folio. Those are the only ones I can find here anyways and the rest are in Mandarin. As much as I love ogling at the models, I actually read the articles as well (breaking news to some).

Anyhow, as I was paying for my copy of Men's Folio at the cashier, the girls and two of them might I add were giggling prolifically. I thought there was something on my face like mayo from my Spicy Chicken McDeluxe or chilly sauce from the fries but it wasn't. Then I looked at the girls trying to figure it out. The look that they gave me... It's one of those giggle and look that says, "OMG he's cute!".

I know I know but I'm not just saying this. I really am not. I know what that look looks like. I do it all the time and well this is the first time I'm noticing it on someone else first hand and they're looking at me! Swoons being the operative word here.

Guess it was a good impulse buy that shirt and tie.

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter

Awwww Cute Doggies

Gotta hand it to my brother in law. He finds the funniest things on Earth to watch some times.

Just like this little cute commercial advert.


Just a random thought, The Doctor loves dogs.

Anyhow, it doesn't matter with how many guys you're doing it with, just remember to use rubber. If dogs made of rubber can look that cute, so can yours. I think... Doesn't sound right now does it?

You know you love me.
XOXO
Queer Ranter