Message From The Godly C

This is C and today I will be filling in for Queer Ranter today, in a phenomenon known as "Guest Blogging." (Services available, reasonable rates, inquire within).

Fabulousity, and other Errors.

I've known QR for many many years, and I feel privileged to have witnessed some of the more pivotal stages of his life, such as his coming out, both to himself, and to the world at large. As he tells it to me, he pretty much came to an understanding of what he was, and how he was about it, and many times he's told me that coming out was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

There's a famous story we like to circulate; namely my reaction when he told me he knew he was gay.

Picture: Him in my room, on my bed. I'm on the computer, facing away from him.

QR: Hey C.... I think I'm gay.
Me: Well it's about damn time.

Since then he has definitely grown more comfortable with his identity and his new life. He's even got a better sex life than me (which is totally unfair, you queer bastard).

It is from this basic background I bring you the TRUE title of today's post, which is:

You May Be Gay, But That Doesn't Mean You Have To Act Like A Bitch.

Yes, I'm looking at you, you flamboyant Diva with your pink shirts and your bag obsession and your perfume and your personal grooming. Don't think I don't know what you're up to. You call yourself my friend, but when my back is turned, I know you're secretly tweezing.

I mean for gods sake, he uses the word fabulous in conversation. You may think 'well what's wrong with fabulous, it's a perfectly acceptable adjective' but the guy pronounces all three syllables. Fab Beau Lus.

It's like he's attempting to become gayer and gayer as time goes on. I'm pretty sure at least some of it is on purpose; things like dating guys and caring about your appearance is pretty normal, but this man owns a t-shirt with the following print:

Taste my Nuts!

I'm fucking serious.

The subtitle: A Salty Snack is in My Sack.

I may be a zero on the queer scale, I may be 100% heterosexual, I may like girls very very much, but I do NOT go around with T-shirts that advertise the contents of my testicles. Imagine if a girl were to walk around with 'Bonk me hard enough and these puppies will lactate in eight months' printed across her chest. Some things are just not POLITE.

Have I mentioned his 'tendency' to be naked in my presence?

Seriously. True story.

I went to his place, because I consider him to be my friend (although I'm putting this up for review sometime soon) and he answers the door by opening it just a tiny fraction. This is normal. Mosquitoes.

He says 'oh hey. Come in' and he's wearing a towel.

Seriously. What the fuck.

'Why aren't you wearing any pants?'

'Not bothering.'

...

I haven't even gotten to the things he says in polite company. He can be anywhere, sitting next to anyone, and somehow a reference to penises or anal sex will come into the picture and I'm left trying to hide my face in the mashed potatoes.

I don't know why I even bother. QR, if you're reading this, Stop Acting Like Such A Bitch. At the very least, if you're going to keep doing it, stop doing it in front of me so I can pretend I still have decent friends who won't embarrass me at every turn.

And no, I will not lend you Deathly Hallows when it comes out. SO THERE.

-Live Long & Prosper