Insecurity

Last Thursday I skipped work. When I woke up, I was feeling really lousy and down. In fact I was feeling it the night before when I was chatting with Alex, who tried to cheer me up but the effort was wasted. At that moment, I didn't know what was bugging me. Thursday morning came but I was still feeling lousy and down. So I smsed la faghag and my boss that I wasn't coming for work and went back to sleep hoping that I wouldn't wake up again. It was, as JL said, my "duh" day, ultimate "duh" day actually.

Took me awhile to realise what was bugging me. It was my physical appearance or more blatantly said, I'm fat. The breakup with McDave sure didn't help much in the self-esteem and confidence department. It made it worst actually, not to mention everything about me shattered to gazillion pieces. I was essentially negative self-esteem boy for several months. My mood was swinging like a pendulum, only it swung from normal days to bad days and back to normal days. Never swung to the good days.

Then something happened yesterday. I was out with a bunch of bloggers for a lunch outing. It was a good outing overall, seeing friends I've not seen before and generally having a good time. Then it happened. E made an observation about me being fat. He said, "You've put on weight since the last I saw you.". Usually that would spiral me into depression but I chose not to. I chose to enjoy everyone's company despite what had just happened.

Interesting how people generally love to pick on fat people. Next thing I knew as we were eating fatty pork meat (which was really nice actually), K made a reference of the meat to me. Sigh... The mental abuse I have to go through for a day eh. But again I just cast it aside and enjoy the outing.

The two above aren't bad actually. Its not like they're doing it on purpose. I know because the next one that I will pen down is the ultimate. It is the "I know what I say and do is going to hurt him so I'm gonna do it cause I like seeing him in pain.". I'll call him Foul Mouth and the best way I can describe this person is, he's got his good moments.

I've only met him a handful of times and all those times that I met him, I'll have to endure mental abuse from him. First he'll glare at me, top to bottom, with his condescending eyes, every time. Then he'll pick on me about how fat I am. He once made this remark while I was wearing a t-shirt that I got from dearest William and dearest Derek. The tee was a little tight on the shoulder but it is a really nice shirt.

He said, "OMG, your boobs are like bigger than K (K's a gal whose actually got nice sized boobs).". Again, I just swallow it like I always do whenever I meet him.

Oh there was another one that I remembered. It was after my breakup that I met him for the first time. He said, "Why do you have be so fat?". He mumbled it in his breath hoping that I didn't hear but I did hear it, loud and clear. I pretended I heard nothing and just asked him to repeat what he said.

Why am I writing this as my post? Its just something I have to let out of my heart. Its way too tiring to carry it around me and I assure you, this post is not to get back at any of them.
I don't hate or feel angry any of them. It just happened and it is just the way people are. I felt that I need to write an honest post in my blog for once and this is it. I could write bad things about them but what's the point? It serves no purpose.

I'm 178cm tall and weigh 68kg. I'm not anywhere near as lean as Jay Chau or my idol, Lee Hom nor do I posses physical features that I can proudly flaunt around. I'm most certainly isn't the person anyone will look at twice or be ogle at. I do wish that I am like those boys in Axcest's hotshots every time I look at it. All these flaws of mine I know and I don't need anyone to tell me that nor do I need anyone's pity. I can handle myself well thank you.

I may look happy and jovial like the world is a beautiful place but I am still human with fragile feelings.

-Live Long & Prosper

21 comments:

William said...

I won't pile on the "inner beauty" crap as it would only sound like an insult. Just be yourself. You'll always be my favourite cheese connoisseur. :)

Kyle said...

Well, there are a lot of bitches in the sea. As blunt as they are, they should know when to stop. Even so, it's not something you can't change, right?

Cheer up and go do something about it! :)

Derek said...

*hugs*

You know you have a special place in the Godfather's heart, don't you?

coolgardy said...

I do not want to say I feel sorry for you, but I feel sorry for your so called friends! They should accept you as who you are, and love you for what you are, not passing judgements.

Having said that, well, you did the right, thing, throw off this anger and move on, 'cos you certainly do not need to wallow in their shit behavior...cheer up dude!

Queer Ranter said...

Will: Awww you sweet cheese churner you. :)

Kyle: I will do something about it when I choose to. Its a long haul so I want to be ready for it to go all out.

Derek: Yes I do Fairy Godfather. Now give me some fairy dust. :P

Coolgardy: Well its not so much of venting anger or anything. Just something to let go. Not that my friends (the first two) don't accept me, just that they don't know how damaging it can be.

Oh well. I shall be the ugly ducking for now and become a fabulous gay pink swan. :)

Janvier said...

There'll be 'duh' moments (we think of them as our black post/of-the-network moments) that'll come and go la...try to float through it.

You should let them know that their comments wasn't really taken lightly (like a slap on the shoulder followed by an "Oi!" prolly).

Plus 178cm and 68kg is good BMI. Not fat.

m5lvin said...

speak not but a hug for u...=)

-C said...

1) Janvier was right re: your BMI.

2) I realize I'm not exactly an authority on the subject but you aren't fat in any sense of the term that I can imagine (and this is coming from someone who's seen you naked)

Although there's nothing wrong with wanting to beef up I think that your standard response (don't let it bother you and move on) should apply doubly hard.

P.s. If you want me to see you naked again, I'll probably have to charge you.

Sam said...

You are fat? Don't make me laugh.

You want to challenge me izzit? :D

Queer Ranter said...

Janvier: BMI or not I don't think anyone cares these days. Guess they wanna see how skinny people are...

M5lvin: Awww thanks. *hugs

C: Uh... Naked... Charge... *flash

Sam: Ooooo. Come come lets compare. *strip :P

Bibik Nyonya said...

Hey darling, thanks fro dropping by my blog. Aww...cheer up mate. When the world turns back on you, you turn back on the world...hakuna matata! Just be happy of who you are man...

savante said...

Ooh! Siapa tu! Tell me lah! So we can give zingers back in return.

savante said...

And kiddo, always remember. He's a bitch and you might be fat but you can diet.

Apollo David said...

What happened, dear??? aiyo... you look ok wat... i still remember last time when i said u looks like garfield then you unhappy for few days...actually i said u just as cute as Garfield but didnt mean that u as fat as Garfield... since that i know everytime i talk about all this topic i must b'careful, coz i care your feeling...

For me you not as fat as they commented... don think too much... sometimes they just kidding... forget about it.

accept who you are...
cheer up ok???

Apollo David said...

Hugs...

nineteenseventyfive said...

oii..if u fat,...than i must be a whale lar. Want me to come over and slap u silly is it? Tell u what..next time someone says u r fat...call me and than i stand next to u and than they have to say u r thinner. :P

Queer Ranter said...

Bibik: I've always been a fan of your blog ma. :P If the world turns back on me, then aren't I suppose to fuck it? :P

Savante: Zingers Paul? Hehehh thanks. :P

Apollo: I know. Hehehhe. And I know you know about it too. :)

1975: Well. Don't la say until like that...

Fable Frog said...

Did someone just mentioned NAKED?? ooooo scandalous!! Aiyo~ those friends are such idiots~~~!! sometimes we need to ignore certain words~~ Even the fingers got thin and fat la~ Even if you are really fat, which i'm sure you are not[~ from other's description]... it's none of their business anyway~~ phuh!!

FamezGAY said...

let's have battle of the FATS!

Queer Ranter said...

Frog: Yes Naked. I was/still am a nudist back in high school and parade naked around the house. :P

Famez: Hahhaha. Jom. *jiggle jiggle jiggle

Kai Ting said...

Hey~ pork fats are nice if they are cooked in the right way... they taste like jelly~ Dun care lar... as long as you are comfortable with ur own look and be more confident about yourself, dun care what other says... I remember you saying "the difference between the two cases (perfume) is that its wore by different kind of ppl" maybe to you its a normal line but that was a classic to me though~