Tired. Oh So Tired...

I'm so tired right now. I'm struggling to persevere and study for my exams like everyone else. But that should not be my motivation for studying is it? A person is doing it does not mean I have to do it. I should do it because I want to.

There is a battle going on in me of what I want. My heart wants everything to stop but my mind wants to go on. Alex sent me a song titled, "The Heart Asks For Pleasure First" and a poem with the same title by Emily Dickinson awhile back. The poem goes like this:

The heart asks pleasure first
And then, excuse from pain-

And then, those little anodynes

That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.

It is soo easy to quit but if I quit now, what will I do in the future? Who will payback the scholarship I am under? Day by day, my mind is losing the battle and I am losing grip to the purpose of me studying. I am tired.

The flame in me that kept me going in beginning of the semester is weakening and I am afraid that one day it will just wither away. What will I do then? What will happen to me? How do I go on? I'm just so tired to even think of it.

Just so tired...

-Live Long & Prosper


Anonymous said...

Generally speaking, when you lose your flame, one of the worst things to do is to get all 'big picture' about it. Then you get even more overwhelmed and the willingness to proceed takes a hit.

Focus on one thing at a time. Usually for me it's getting up to go to class. One thing at a time. Don't think about how crappily long the day is gonna be, think about getting to the sink.

Apply as suitable. Call me if you need to take it out on M.


Cybertron said...

1st take some sleep dude. U don't need but ur body n mind does.

2ndly, if u got energy to negate, y not reverse it to positive for ur studies.

3rdly, studies is abt learning. When u hate studies, u stop learning. Worst, later u'd hate every doings. Think maturely.

Flame or no flame u r making it up. I know wat ur going thru as I went thru college n drop. I had to work n study 7 yrs dat long. So who is worse? Me la. sob sob. Ok, now get back to study wud u. Phea-ze ;)

Alex said...

Hey! You sound like me! Stop being negative like me! That's plagiarism!!!! Cheer up dude.... You need some chill out session...

Prince of Darkness said...

Hey dude, you are half way through it already, why bother quit? Just finish it off. Do you know that there is so many people who wanted to study but unable to do so? Since you got the chance to study, study well. Never give up...

joshua said...

A journey of a thousand miles start with a single step.

Since you have taken the first step (and gotten pretty far along), why not stay put and go towards the destination?

Success is always sweeter, when you worked hard enough to fight all shortcomings to achieve it. (Very much like vengeance, hehe)

We believe in you.

defiant85 said...

Thanks a lot for the encouragements everyone.

Feeling much better this morning. Time to sail through today's paper. :P

ceusm said...

yeah good luck yah... u can do it for sure!

confusticated said...

there are worse things than suffering with something you don't like. not having anything to do at all. like those extremely long vacations when you just WISH school would friggin start already.

then again, you can look at it this way: you can't have a holiday if you never work!